The Bundesliga season is almost upon us, and with it, we reach the end of Fear the Wall’s countdown to the league season kicking off. To bring this series to a satisfying end, we thought it appropriate to finish with something a little bit fun that can get all the writers and readers involved.
So we decided to lift an idea clean from the great Carl Anka’s mind, and to hold a one-time amnesty for your most ridiculous, ill-evidenced predictions for this upcoming Bundesliga season.
Hi friends, the Premier League returns this week, which means it’s time for our “Bad Predictions Amnesty”.
Tell me your most instinctive, baseless prediction for the season.
You get ONE Mulligan at the end of the Jan window.
We look back on these at the end of 22-33.
— Carl Anka (@Ankaman616) August 1, 2022
While Carl’s predictions amnesty (which brings out some excellent suggestions, go check them out on Twitter) focuses on the Premier League, we will welcome anything Bundesliga (and at a push, broadly German football). Do you think Schalke are going to win the league? Are RB Leipzig going to get relegated? Or is it Freiburg’s year to go all the way in the Europa League?
To kick things off, let Fear the Wall’s writers lay it all out with their predictions:
Julian Nagelsmann & Edin Terzic Will Both be Sacked Before the World Cup
Look, Bayern Munich are always one game away from kicking up a stink about absolutely nothing (and somehow continuing to win despite it), and it hasn’t felt like Nagelsmann, for all his talent, has won everybody over yet. Maybe they’ll fumble their enormous bag early in the season and ditch their young coach?
But sad to say, if my prediction was to come true, Borussia Dortmund probably wouldn’t be in a position to capitalize, with Terzic gone early too. Perhaps we’ll see Germany’s heavyweights both languishing around midtable in the first half of the season.
The Bundesliga Will See New Champions Hoist the Trophy.
We’re certainly in for an interesting season with a prolonged midseason break and a winter World Cup. Bayern have held onto the Bundesliga for the last decade. I don’t think they’ll finish as winners this time. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’ll be Dortmund either. My prediction has Frankfurt ascending the table as a dark horse. Coming off a Europa League triumph, while holding onto several key players, in addition to new signings like Lucas Alario and Mario Götze, Oliver Glasner’s Frankfurt could solidify themselves as a force to reckon with.
Elsewhere, Cristiano Ronaldo will sign for BVB in January, a transfer that will later be regarded as the worst financial decision in club history. On March 18, 2023, Borussia Dortmund will be defeated at home by FC Koln, thanks to a Steffan Tigges hat-trick. I also predict that Karim Adeyemi will earn the European Golden Boy award for 22-23, and Marco Reus will have an injury-free season. Oh, and Hertha Berlin will finally be relegated!
Donyell Malen Explodes and Leads the Bundesliga in Scoring
I approached my response to this question as such: if Colin Cowherd were a Bundesliga pundit, what would his take be coming into the season? If I’ve learned anything watching Herdstradamus as he patently refuses to cover the MLB this summer, it’s to spout off ridiculously presumptive takes based on grainy footage from NFL training camp and rumblings from beat reporters and anonymous Twitter accounts.
… which brings me to my prediction. Is there any reason based in any empirical reality to think Donyell Malen will lead the league in scoring next season? Nope! But he looked great in a single match against a 3. Liga side, he probably added a few pounds of muscle, is “in the best shape of his life” and “looks like he’s playing with a chip on his shoulder” or whatever, so he has every possible preseason cliché in existence to justify my prediction, before he inevitably scores at 0.4 G/90 and finishes 14th in scoring this season.
Marco Rose Will be Back in the Bundesliga by the End of the Season… With Bayern
Look, my prediction just has to be coaching-related. Two seasons ago we had the Great Coaching Carousel while last season saw Leipzig, Wolfsburg, Monchengladbach, and Hertha Berlin cycle through coaches. Even BVB got in on the action and hosted their own Red Wedding for Marco Rose this offseason. So which team would love to jettison their coach as soon as someone mutters the word complacency? Bayern Munich. Which Bundesliga coach was heralded as the second coming of Jürgen Klopp: Julian Nagelsmann. And who is going to be their coach to lead them to a Bundesliga title once the dust settles? Marco Rose of course.
Okay, so here is how it is going to happen. Bayern loses their first UCL knockout game in convincing fashion. Nagelsmann is sent packing on the back of one of Thomas Muller’s horses. Bayern turns to their perfect replacement: Mauricio Pochettino… who has just signed a deal with some Mediterranean club. Brazzo then remembers all the trauma Bayern suffered against Monchengladbach and signs Marco Rose. They win the Bundesliga. The end.
Gladbach will finish in the bottom 5 this season
Gladbach’s summer transfer window so far has been nothing if not disastrous, Farke doesn’t seem like the man for the job, it seems as though half the squad’s heavy hitters either have left or are in the process of doing so, and Max Eberl’s shadow still hangs over the Borussia-Park. Stindl can only do so much, man.
Also, I think Enrico Maaßen will surprise everyone and Augsburg will challenge for Europe, and Union Berlin will reach the Pokal final.
Jamie Bynoe-Gittens to get 15 G+A this season
Now let me check off my list here.
Came from the Manchester City Academy? Check. Plays on the wing? Check. Is an absolute beast in one-on-one situations? Check.
Ladies and gentlemen. Forget about Thorgan Hazard, Donyell Malen and Karim Adeyemi, because we already have the winger we need. Mark my words. Jamie Bynoe-Gittens will be our savior this year. Currently we have a 100% hit-rate with English youth, and I don’t see that streak ending anytime soon.
The best thing about having a 17-year-old kid running around, is that he’ll be much more opportunistic than any other player on the field! He’s ripe like an avocado, and he just had his interview with Patrick Owomoyela at this season’s training camp! You know who last had such an interview? Jude Bellingham. Need I say more? Now go nutmeg De Ligt.